


Small Moon Adventure

by Linelenagain



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: ALL THE CRACK, Bones is scary as hell, Crack, M/M, Space Madness, sassiness, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:16:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linelenagain/pseuds/Linelenagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Shut up! The point is, I am going to go down to the medical bay, fill this motherfucker up with hypos, beam down to that shit-heap, and sedate every fucking space-monster on that planet until I <i>get my god-damned boyfriend back!</i>”</p><p>This is ABSOLUTE CRACK. Please don't judge me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Small Moon Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> Just moving some of my fics over from livejournal. Enjoy!

“Bones!” Jim bounced - because there really was no other word for that motion, other than maybe ‘pranced’ and Bones would be damned if he would fuck anybody who _pranced_ \- into the Medical Bay, eyes wide with excitement. “Look what I got from our care package from Starbase seven!” He held up a small, plastic device.

“It’s not a goddamned ‘care package,’ Jim,” Bones sighed. “You know those are supplies essential to running the ship.”

“I _know!_ ” Kirk nodded, still smiling. “Like my new P.H.O.N.E.”

Bones hesitated. “Fone?”

Kirk held the small device out to him. It had a screen. And some buttons. It looked like a small PADD. “Phone! Personal Handheld Operations Network Electronic!”

Bones shrugged. “Neat. What’s it do?”

“It connects to all the ship’s systems and Starfleet records and shit. But guess what! It holds music! And games! And it can contact other phones, so I can talk to other high-ranking fleet officials, such as myself.” Kirk beamed. “I’m going to requisition you one so I can send you dirty texts.”

“Fantastic,” Bones turned back to his inventory. He was low on sedatives, for some reason.

He froze as he felt warm breath against the back of his neck. “Yep,” Kirk whispered, “I am just going to send you all my filthy, filthy thoughts, all day. Thoughts about how bad I miss that incredible dick. So you’ll know exactly how often I think about it when I’m supposed to be working on the Bridge.”

Bones turned around and grabbed Jim’s ass, pulling him closer. “Yeah?” He breathed into Jim’s neck, biting a little bit.

“Oh yeah,” Jim smirked into his ear. “Long story short - it’s pretty much all the damned time. I think about that huge, beautiful-”

His eyes widened in surprise as Bones glared and shoved him away. The door to the medical bay opened with a hiss, and Nurse Chapel walked inside.

“Good afternoon, Captain,” she smiled at him. “Doctor.”

Jim forced a slight smile back. “Nurse Chapel, always a pleasure. Bones, may I have a word with you in your office.”  


\--

  
“Okay, what the fuck?” Jim glared at him as soon as the office door closed.

“What?”

“You _know_ what. Why’d you shove me off like you found out I had Orion Herpes?”  
   
Bones threw himself into his chair. “Look, you know I like to keep our private life private.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Bones. Bones,” he said, as if Bones was an especially dense child and Jim wanted to be sure to have his full attention. “Everyone knows we’re sleeping together, Bones.”

“No they don’t.”

“Yes, they do.”

“Don’t.”

“Do.”

“Don’t.”

“Do.”

“Don’t.”

“Argh!” Jim flopped down onto the desk. “Okay, let’s say, hypothetically, that nobody knows. Even though everybody totally does. What’s the worst that could happen if they find out?”

Bones thought it over. “Everyone finding out _is_ the worst thing that could happen.”

“Why?” Jim asked, eyes narrowing.

“Because it is!” Bones growled. 

“Worse than parasites?”

“Yes.”

“Worse than strange, interplanetary bacteria?”

“Absolutely.”

“Worse than Space Madness?”

Bones shuddered. “...Maybe.”

“You know they’re all fucking terrified of you, Bones.”

“Yeah,” Bones leaned back in his chair, smiling dreamily.

“Knowing that you’re my boyfriend isn’t going to terrify them _less_. If anything, it will add to your aura of danger.”

“Don’t call me that,” Bones glared at him.

Kirk sighed. “I love you, Bones.”

Bones frowned, and fiddled with some pens on his desk.

“I know you love me back, Bones.”

Bones muttered something incoherent.

Jim shoved himself across the desk and into Bones’s line of vision. “Say something nice about me or I won’t leave.”

“Jim, you’re...” Bones opened his mouth, then closed it. “I think you’re...” Bones sighed. “God damn it, kid, you are so damn shitty.”

Kirk’s face lit up. “I know you mean pretty. Was that so hard?” He leaned up and kissed Bones on the cheek. “Back to work, honeybun.”

Bones blushed, and mumbled something vaguely threatening about hyposprays.  


\--

  
   
 _\- R U Naked? -_

_\- Dammit Jim, if you’re going to attempt communicate on these stupid devices, the least you could do is use proper grammar. It only takes a few extra seconds. -_

_\- Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy, love of my life, my sun, my moon and stars. I dream of you nightly. Daily! My every thought is of your perfection. Are you naked? -_

_\- ...yes. -_  


\--

  
“Kirk to McCoy.”

Bones flipped open his communicator. “Yes, Jim?”

“You’re needed on the bridge.”

“What for?”

“I’m about to beam down to the small moon, M’N’Durabi. Diplomatic thing, apparently they’re so rich in dilithium they’re building freaking trash heaps out of it. Could you bring up a vaccination booster and advise me of any local allergens that you consider high-risk?”

“Of course, Jim. I’ll be there in ten.”

“Thank you. Kirk out.”

At his side, his phone beeped. Bones checked incoming texts.

_\- If you don’t say goodbye to me properly on the bridge, I am going to get so pissy. -_  


\--

  
“...and that concludes my report on indigenous allergens.”

“Bottom-line it for me, Bones.”

“You should be okay with the booster I gave you.”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” Kirk leaned in, and whispered, “are you going to kiss me goodbye?”

Bones felt his shoulders stiffen, and took a step back. “Captain, I’ll be happy to go over my report with you again as you walk to the transporter room.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Captain? Seriously? We’re serious about this? You’re calling me Captain?” He shoved Bones aside and walked to the door. “Mr. Spock, the bridge is yours.”

Bones stood there for a moment. He looked around the room. The entire crew was looking at him as if he were some some unpredictable beast. He slowly, consideringly raised his hypo. The crew shuffled back to work, eyes downward.

He normally would have been pleased.  


\--

  
The thing was, there were only so many times you could do inventory before the medical bay was fully stocked. And eventually, everybody runs out of paperwork. And sometimes, even on a vessel as large as the _Enterprise_ , a day or two went by without anybody getting sick or hurt. It was damned inconsiderate, that’s what it was.

Bones was bored. And, if he was honest with himself, a little worried, because he hadn’t gotten a single dirty text since Jim beamed down, and Bones knew Jim was pissed but not that he was _pissed._

And Jim had only been gone for four hours.

It was really amazing how much he could get done when Jim wasn’t around.

He thought about sending Jim some pictures of his dick - those damn phones had cameras, which was really very clever - but his heart wasn’t really in it, and you just can’t half-ass a good dick pic.

Besides, if Jim didn’t forgive him after _that,_ he’d know he was in serious shit, and he didn’t think he wanted to know that quite yet.

What he needed, what would be really perfect, would be something that would both A) make Jim happy and forgive-y and possibly horny, and B) not threaten his reign of terror among the crew.

He hoped Jim wasn’t having an allergic reaction to anything. That happened a lot.

Really a lot.

Like, so much that it would make him a damned irresponsible medical officer if he didn’t go check it out.

And on the off-chance that Jim _wasn’t_ in anaphylactic shock or anything, he’d probably be _really_ happy that Bones beamed down to pick him up.

Like, super-forgiving and putting off all this stupid boyfriend nonsense kind of happy.

Bones loved it when a plan came together. He gathered up his stuff and headed down to the bridge.  


\--

  
Bones was calm. He was so, so calm. “What do you mean, you lost contact?”

They told him.

Bones’s eye twitched. “What exactly do you mean by _irretrievable?_ ” 

‘The colony’s reigning monarch, Hive Queen M’Disha, has declared the captain her concubine and imprisoned him in one of her subterranean dens. As the moon’s crust is rich with dilithium, the energy interference prevents transport of the captain while he remains below ground.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “The Captain has become an alien sex-slave. Okay, well, that’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before. You-” he pointed to Sulu. “Get your little sword, and you-” he glared at Spock. “Get ready to nerve pinch some fuckers. Then beam down there and initiate a rescue.”

Slowly, and with unwavering dignity, Spock took a step away from Bones. “I’m afraid that Starfleet is quite eager to maintain good relations with the Hive Queen, and the admiralty has ordered that we refrain from initiating any rescue until a more diplomatic solution can be reached.”

Bones froze, and the entire bridge crew held their breath. When he spoke, he spoke so softly, so _mercilessly,_ that Spock was forced to draw upon every ounce of Vulcan stoicism he possessed not to hide behind Uhura. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I thought you said that you were going to leave Jim there.”

Vulcan stoicism can only go so far, and Spock took another step back. “Not permanently, of course. Just... for the time being. For the time being we are going to analyze the situation as it progresses and then formulate an appropriate plan.”

“Oh no. No no, no we are fucking _not_ doing that. Do you see this bag?” Bones thrust his black shoulder bag in Spock’s general direction.

“It appears to be a common small-equipment satchel, part of the regulation uniform requirements for Starfleet medical personnel when off-ship. I believe that the Captain refers to it colloquially as your ‘man-purse.’”

“Shut up! The point is, I am going to go down to the medical bay, fill this motherfucker up with hypos, beam down to that shit-heap, and sedate every fucking space-monster on that planet until I _get my god-damned boyfriend back!_ ”

The bridge froze. Then Spock did something very, very illogical.

“Negative, Doctor, as Acting Captain-”

Bones hypo’d him in the neck. As Spock fell into a heavy, Vulcan puddle at his feet, Bones flipped open his communicator. “CMO’s log: let the record show that I fear Acting Captain Spock has acquired a serious case of Space Madness. I’ve had him sedated and will take steps to assure that any crew members similarly affected will receive _swift medical treatment._ ” He flipped his communicator shut, and looked around the bridge slowly. “Understood?”

As one, the bridge crew nodded. Bones rolled his eyes and pointed at Chekov. “Jailbait! Let Mr. Scott know that I’ll meet him in the transporter room. McCoy OUT.” With that, he stalked off.

Once certain he was out of hearing range, Sulu turned to Chekov. “Technically, it’s a small moon.”  


\--

  
As soon as Jim heard the swearing, he knew everything was going to be all right. “Bones!” he cried out with joy and ran over to the bars of his cell.

“PISS-GUZZLING ASS BAG!” He heard, followed by the hiss of a hypospray, and the heavy thud of his guards hitting the ground.

“I am so glad to hear your voice!” Jim said, smiling. “I hate it here! I got dirt on my uniform pants and my phone has no reception!”

“Shut UP!” Bones snarled as he kicked at the guard’s prone bodies, searching for the keys to Jim’s cell. Snatching them up, he began trying to figure out which opened the lock. “How does this always happen? What the fuck pheromones do you emit? This is the FOURTH TIME you’ve been held hostage as a SPACE CONCUBINE. That doesn’t HAPPEN. That’s the plot for PORN. WHY IS YOUR LIFE PORN, JIM? WHY?”

“Good news though!” Jim beamed at him. “I beat my high score on Bejeweled!” He held up his phone for Bones’s approval. “Look!”

Bones made a sound that Jim would never, ever call a shriek, because he looked forward to living a long, captainly life. The cell door swung open.

“Yay!” Jim jumped into Bones’s arms, and Bones gathered him up tight against his chest. 

“Jim,” he said, calming considerably as he breathed in the scent of the captain’s hair.

“Yes, Bones?”

“Just because I love you doesn’t mean I won’t hypo you into unconsciousness.”

Jim looked at him shrewdly. “First - you won’t hypo me at LEAST until we hit the surface, because then you’d have to carry me out of here. And though that would be incredibly sexy, and you know it, you’d have a hard time hypo’ing anybody that way.”

Bones frowned, putting Jim down gently and dragging him by the arm through the tunnels towards the surface. “I think I scared ‘em enough that they’re hoping we’ll leave,” he muttered.

“And SECOND!” Jim said, as if he had never been interrupted. “YOU LOVE ME! I knew it! Say it again!”

“No.”

“Say it!” 

“No.”

“Captain’s orders!”

“I abhor you.”

Jim grinned. “REALLY?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “You’re _happy_ that I abhor you? Do you know what abhor means?”

“Oh hell yeah. Because you always do that.”

“Do what?”

“Instead of saying what you mean, you say something that SOUNDS like what you mean. Like when you called me shitty? I know you meant you think I’m pretty. And when you say you abhor me. I know you mean you _adore_ me. It’s okay, I’m crazy about you, too.”

And since that was the moment Bones pulled them through the mouth of the tunnel onto the planet’s surface, he felt really no qualm about raising the hypo menacingly towards the Captain’s neck.

Jim was too quick for him though, and before Bones could finish the job he found that Jim was pressed up against him, attacking his mouth and running his hands up and down Bones’s back. Damn, damn Jim’s incredible tactical prowess.

“And three,” Jim whispered, in between sucking at Bones’s neck and nipping at his ear, “if you use that fucking hypo on me, I won’t regain consciousness for eight to ten hours. And trust me, the ‘thanks for rescuing me’ sex we are about to have is going to be so much better if I’m cognizant.”

Bones thought it over, sighed, and flipped open his communicator.

“Scotty, two to beam up.”  


\--

  
As they re-materialized on the bridge, McCoy shoved Jim away from him and towards Jim’s admiring public. Jim threw up his arms in a victory V, then immediately pulled out his phone and started messing with it.

“McCoy to Spock,” Bones growled into his communicator. 

“Yes, Doctor?”

“The captain is back on board. Destroy the planet.”

“Once again, Doctor, I find it necessary to remind you that it is not a planet, but in fact, a small moon. Further, with the captain back on board, I currently lack the authority to initiate such a destruct sequence.”

Bones sighed. “Jim, I don’t suppose you could-”

“No fucking chance, Bones,” Jim grinned, still staring at his phone. “Those fuckers finally made you admit that I’m your moon and stars. I’ve already sent them a fruit basket!”  


\--

  
“Bones, this is a matter of utmost importance. I cannot find my phone. Inform the Bridge; let them know this is a Code Sparkles situation, repeat _Code Sparkles._ "

“Jim, before we shut down everything but the life-support systems and have the entire crew report to the Bridge _again_ why don’t we try a simpler solution?” Bones flipped open his phone. “Let me call it and see if we can-”

Kirk dove across the room “Oh NO Bones you really don’t want to-”

“ _Until I get my god-damned boyfriend back! Until I get my god-damned boyfriend back! Until I get my-_ ”

“...You have five seconds to explain before I destroy you.”

“So Bones, did you know that activity on the bridge is video-monitored twenty-four seven, in the event that the captain should wish to include footage in his daily log?”

“You made me your _RING TONE?_ ”

“Ring tone, general alarm, and most-played mp3! Sometimes we rock out to it on the Bridge.”

Jim felt himself fly across the room, and though he knew on an intellectual level that he was going to die, and that was going to _really suck_ , he also knew that he was going to die as Bones’s _boyfriend_ \- and that, however unreasonable, that sort of made everything kind of all right.

Bones glared at him - Jim’s mind threw out words like ‘smoldering,’ and also ‘apoplexy’ - and moved in for the kill. 

“James T. Kirk,” he said, in that low, gravelly voice that Jim thought would get him super-hot even if it was discussing something horrible, like colonoscopies or a world without glitter. “Jim, I absolutely... _loathe_ you.”

\--

**BONUS DELETED SCENE**

  


“BONES! BONES!” Jim screamed, as he hurled himself into the medical bay. He sealed the door behind him, and triple-locked it with the captain-only override code. “Bones, you were right. God help us, _you were right!_ ”

Bones did not look up from his paperwork. “Of course I was.”

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?!”

“No.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me. Now tell me what you want.”

“Your ass, your mouth, your many other delectable body parts, cupcakes, a one-thousand-piece build-your-own model _Enterprise_ , for Starfleet to introduce casual Fridays, or failing that, pants-off dance-off Thursdays-”

Eyes still on his desk, Bones smoothly opened a drawer and withdrew a silver hypospray. He placed it on his desk with an emphatic thud.

Jim gulped, but he was the captain, and that meant being very, very brave, so he kept talking. “Look. Turn on your monitor.”

Bones complied, and Jim ordered the computer to bring up the live video feed from Deck B, hallway 12.

“ _Oh, I am the very model of a modern major general  - I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral-_ ”

Bones stared at the screen, his expression a mixture of fascination and horror. “Is that Spock?” he asked, and his voice was a whisper of fear.

“Yes!” Jim grabbed hold of Bones’s shoulder and shook. “Do you see what I’m saying? Do you see the _tiara? You were right._ ”

Bones hypo’d him in the neck.

“I’ll handle this,” he said, catching Jim and lowering him to the ground in a smooth motion. Grabbing another hypo or four as he headed out, he flipped open his communicator. 

“Nurse Chapel? Start prepping beds. It looks like we have an outbreak of...

 

_...SPACE MADNESS!”_


End file.
